Sunday, December 21, 2008

About Face.

I don't see myself in the mirror. I'm there. I know I'm there. I just don't see myself. If I could really see myself I'd probably run away.

Yeah, it's snowing. Not a good day to go anywhere. My wife just went upstairs to lay down. She's been up since Friday morning. She napped on the couch for a few hours early Saturday evening but that's it. The Tamoxifen is messing with her. She started taking it on Friday as per her doctor's instructions. Last night she had deep aching pain in her bones. That's the Tamoxifen.

I have to make a base for the inflatable Frosty. The anchors they give you don't quite cut it. I used para cord and tent stakes for the guide lines. The little ones that come with Frosty were not enough. When the wind blows real hard, and it does do that here, he will pull out of the ground even if he's not inflated. I'm going to use some three quarter pine boards and screw the metal stand down to them. I can then sit some nice heavy flat rocks on those boards. Frosty will be stable. You have to secure your gear. That's important.

The older baby girl is home from college for Christmas. She's crashing in the living room with the clicker and one of the dogs on her lap. It's good to see her back home. It's good to see her relax.

The younger baby girl just had breakfast and went up to her room to read. She asked me if I would tell her when I'm done with this computer. I told her I'll be done soon. She smiled at me. I love to see that.

I argued with my wife again last night. She feels like crap. I wasn't seeing it. I was tired. I didn't just let her have that. I don't know how to handle any of this. I just keep acting like everything is still the same. It's not the same. It will never be the same again. I have a real hard time saying what it is. Saying how I feel. Saying what I think. She knows that. She tells me that. I deny it.

The truth is this. I've had a pit in my stomach for a year now. I am so damn scared. I don't want to lose her. The sicker she got from the chemo, the scarier it got for me. It's not about me. I have to face the truth. I'm not sure what that truth is. Half of my life is about avoiding the truth. She told me that last night. I know she's right. She said she feels trapped. She depends on my insurance and income. She's not able to work and take care of herself. She's no longer independent. She said she feels like I'm taking advantage of that. Maybe I am. I don't know if I am. I don't know as much truth about myself as I should. I do know that there is much to face. I don't want to face myself. The ugly stuff. The nasty stuff. The stuff that makes me cringe. The stuff that would not be there had I faced it when I should have. Or faced it the way it should have been faced at the time. I'm much better at looking out. I will face anything as long as it's not me. Now I may be losing her because of me. I have to face this. I have to stop, look, and listen to myself. To sort it all out and say it out loud. I really don't want to do this but I have to.

Honesty is scary.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

A word.... you could perhaps benefit from squarely recognizing this illness did not happen just to your happened to your life. To all of your life. Forever. If you lose her and if you don't lose her.
The secret? Be the man you want to be in this new life and not the man you fear you are. Peace be with you.

11:33 PM  
Blogger Squarehead said...

Well said. I'm trying. Things have been better this past week. Thank you for your concern. Thank you for your time. Peace be with you too.

1:40 PM  
Blogger Squarehead said...

Well said. I'm trying. Things have been better this past week. Thank you for your concern. Thank you for your time. Peace be with you too.

1:40 PM  

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