Tuesday, January 05, 2010

10. Already?

Yeah. So it ain't been great. What can you do. Three posts started in the last six months. All of them remain incomplete. That orange word draft stares back at me every time I look at this blog.

My father did pass. It sounds stupid, everyone says it but it's true. He was suffering horribly. He is at peace now. My mother is adjusting. My oldest nephew lives at her house now. He works and goes to school. He is doing a good job helping out his grandmother. She gave him my father's Chrysler. He needs it to get to and from. It was a good thing to do. Give him the Chrysler.

My wife is going through a lot these days. The chemo left her with arthritis in every joint in her body. We have to drive all the way to Altoona for that doctor. They put her on meds for that too. She had her ovaries removed to prevent her body from producing estrogen. Estrogen is the enemy when it comes to breast cancer. She still has to take an estrogen blocker because the body still produces a small amount of estrogen in the fat cells. That happens in men too. All in all it's safer than Tamoxifen, for her anyway. Everyone is different. This seems to be what is best for her. Six different heavy duty meds now. Actually seven when you count the antibiotic she just started, but that one is temporary. Hopefully it's an infection and not something else insidious like bladder cancer or liver and/or kidney damage from the other powerful meds.

I am not always what is best for her. I have not been taking care of her like I should. I moved out in September at her request. I moved back home just before Thanksgiving. The Sunday after Christmas she asked me to leave again. On New Years Eve I moved back. It was an hour or so passed midnight. New Years Day I guess.

She had real reasons for asking me to leave. We were arguing too much. Well, it's more like I was arguing too much. She is going through, and has gone through life changing, body scarring, mind altering situations that are hard to imagine. I have stayed the same.

When I think real hard. On those very rare occasions when I'm totally honest with myself, and I'm talking rare. Like maybe twice in the last thirty years kind of rare. When that happens I have to admit that not only have I stayed the same while my wife goes through all this, I have been the same since about 1972.

I promised her I would go to therapy. I have not done that yet. I have not done much of anything except run away and avoid stuff, since about 1972.

So here it is. 2010. A guy from my old high school is a governor. Another guy is a best selling author. Those two guys are my age and I would have graduated with them had I actually graduated instead of quitting. Running away. I did not know either of those guys. I didn't even know their names. I don't recognize their pictures. It's a big school. It was even bigger back in the seventies. I got my G.E.D. and a bunch of life experience. I enlisted. I became a cop. It was all about running away...... Pretending...... Falling...... Pretending...... Falling.

My father was an alcoholic. He spent the better part of his last twenty years here on earth sober. He was very involved in AA. He helped a lot of people on their own paths to sobriety. For that I am proud of him. The rest of it, growing up like that. The only boy. Catching the beatings. I fell. I ran away from all of that.

I was molested by an older cousin when I was ten. I ran away from that too. I don't even like writing it here.

I have talked about these things in private. Shared them with my wife and a couple of close family members. One best friend. I still run away. I still pretend. I still fall.

So I'm broken and hard to live with. Honesty scares me. Now you know why my wife has had enough. She no longer has time for my bullshit.

I have used this blog in the past as a vehicle. Run away. Pretend. Falling. The events described are true. My truth is not. If that makes any sense.

If I click on the orange button. If I publish this post I will still be running. Still falling. Still pretending to a point because it is anonymous. I won't be able to take it back. Maybe that's a start. Maybe I'm still lying to myself. Pretending. Falling away from the truth.

Only time will tell.


Blogger Just Me said...

To put it bluntly, I'm glad and relieved to hear that your wife is still alive. To say I grew more concerned as your last post aged week after week is an understatement.

I know nothing about you other than what you've written, so the generalizations that follow may be completely wrong. I still feel compelled to write them.

On your personal challenges, examine the things that are most important to you and decide whether they're worth making the changes necessary to keep them. If they're worth a battle you refuse to wage, your life will be reduced to a bitter string of regrets.

Alcoholism creates a lot of suffering for the alcoholic and his/her family. I can't imagine the struggle to sober up and try to make things right after so much hurt. If your father could do all that and make you proud of the man he became, I think you can do the same for your wife and daughters and YOURSELF.

Maybe you're not hiding your hurts behind alcohol, but if the behaviors they generate are hurting the people you love most, you need to wage a similar battle for change.

Nobody wants to face life's hurts. We naturally sweep that stuff under the rug and forget about it. The "normal" stuff is difficult, so I won't criticize anyone for trying to cope with physical beatings and molestation in a similar manner. The problem is that these things are too awful to hide and forget. They will always find their own way to the surface, affecting everything their victims do.

With that in mind, I agree with your wife that you may need a therapist to work through the things that happened to you and to change the behaviors they created. The hurts themselves will never go away for good, but you can change how you react when life gets complicated and painful.

12:44 PM  
Blogger Squarehead said...


1:51 PM  
Blogger Rustys Mom said...

Just Me said it better than I ever could. E

1:29 AM  
Blogger Squarehead said...

It was well said. I appreciate it.

2:02 PM  

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