Thursday, March 18, 2010


When I was a cop that meant out of service. The Ten Code guys would say ten-seven. I think the trend is leaning towards just saying what it is. Numerical radio codes can be confusing.

I'm in Florida right now. I drove down here almost two weeks ago. Left home late Saturday afternoon. Arrived here on Sunday evening. It seems that I wanted to die. Briefly that is. I don't mean die briefly, I mean for a brief few moments in time I wanted to die. My wife wouldn't give me my pistol when she threw me out this last of now six times that she's asked me to leave. I told her I wanted to sell it.

Somewhere along the highway I stopped at a rest area with no facilities available beyond a place to park. I dug a very small hole. Just wide and deep enough to hold my four inch folding knife blade up with the handle firmly secured in the dirt. My plan was to fall on the blade. Not a very good plan. As I stood over the knife trying to line it up correctly I realized that the odds were not in my favor, at least as far as the wound being fatal. No, my training and experience led me to believe that I would probably just hurt myself and end up looking stupid when some truck driver or Trooper found me there.

(I didn't really want to die anyway. Still don't. Never really did. Looking at it on this side. Now.)

So my next stroke of shear genius is as follows:

I decided to continue south. The Sunshine State being my destination. I have an old friend there, I'll go see him. He owns a couple of weapons. Firearms that is. I'm thinking I'll talk him into going to the range and when he opens up that gun safe I'll grab something short like his pistol and run out the door with it. When I got to his house I realized I wouldn't be doing that either. After a few hours of sleep I told him what was going on. I told him that I had actually considered using his pistol. He was fuckin' pissed. I don't blame him. The cops probably would have kept the piece.

(As well as the peace. Get it? I like that. I'll have to use that sometime.)

So not only would he have to live with me capping myself using his gun, he would have been out at least a grand. It's a titanium Smith with an integral laser site. Nice gun.

(He doesn't care about the gun. That's my own spin.)

He calls a number. I checked myself in. I told the shrink what I had thought about. They kept me for a week.

I take two pills every morning. One at night. I'm doing follow up care. I will not leave my kids like that. It was selfish for me to think that I could. That's just part of it. That's the most important part for me however. Suicide ain't painless. That's a stupid fuckin' song anyway. Good movie, great show, stupid song.

I'm staying with family right now. I've got some relatives down here. Good people. I have to replace calipers and rotors on the old Jeep. Had a caliper freeze up once I got down here. When that's done I'll be heading north. I'm going to stay with family and try to assess the situation. Get involved with my therapy up there. It's already set up. With enough sleep you realize that life really is good.

EIGHT - OH....Back in service.


Blogger Rusty's Mom said...

Smart wife.

Be Safe. E

11:48 PM  
Blogger Just Me said...

I'm glad you're still with us and thankful you didn't quit on your kids.

7:38 AM  

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