It Just Is.
No school today, for the younger baby girl. The older baby girl has classes. So as I write this, The Parrot is hanging upside down. He's ringing his cowbell toy, he's all fired up. The younger baby girl is in the next room watching cartoons. I just heard the theme song to Top Cat.
Phone just rang, it's for the younger baby girl.
So I had to run two errands today. First stop was the smoke shop where I bought a bag of Black Jack tobacco and some tubes. I make my own cigarettes, it's a lot cheaper that way. Second stop was the one stop for everything gas station/convenience store for milk. I bought a lottery ticket also. It was an impulse buy. I haven't bought a lottery ticket in almost a month.
It's raining, kind of nasty out. I popped a CD into the CD player in the old Jeep on my way to the smoke shop. The Allman Brothers. Stormy Monday. It wasn't intentional, it just happens to be Monday and stormy.
Ups and downs. Lefts and rights. Strange weekend. We stayed up all night on Saturday, my wife and I. We watched a show about Humpback Whales. We watched a good movie. We ate cake and ice cream at five-thirty in the morning.
Earlier that evening we were talking about financial stuff. Scary student loans, intrusive disclosure statements all related to the older baby girl attending art school. She'll be transferring from our local campus after she finishes out this fall semester. So it's mind boggling stuff.
"Well, it's a distraction from all this other stuff".
That's what I said to my wife while I motioned towards her with a wave of my hand. I didn't think much about it. Later on she told me how much that hurt her. I didn't mean to hurt her. My wife is not the type of person to make something out of nothing. She is not so easily hurt, not so easily offended. If she says something hurt her feelings, it's the real deal.
I felt bad. I still feel bad. It was a stupid thing to say. It's all still very fresh. It's all still very new. It's all still overwhelming.
In waves. It comes in waves. No rhyme or reason. No time to prepare. It comes in waves.
Everything is changing. I have to change with it. When I went out with the guys from work a couple weeks ago I was supposed to call her for a ride. I never called. I just showed up at home around 0230. I should not have done that. Last year it would not have mattered so much. I don't go out often. This year it's different. She really needs me. Now she has breast cancer. Everything is changing. I have to change too.
It rolls up like a tsunami from the otherwise calm. It rolls. No time to prepare. She doesn't know when. She's really not sure. It just rolls over her.
I have to be there always, not just be there but really be there. She has always been the very cool wife. She has never given me a hard time about going out to my friends camp for opening day. She was happy when I went to the dirt track races this past summer and ate too many chili dogs. She knows that once a year, after inventory week, all the guys from down on The Dock go out for beers. But like I was saying, everything is changing. She needs me to be more than I've been. She needs to be able to rely on me, like never before. I can't keep fumbling through with my half-ass grin and an "I'm sorry baby".
When it's time to take The Parrot out of his cage you place your hand against his belly and say "step up". I have to step up now too.
She was talking to a woman she knows, a woman who's been through this. This woman said she'd just bust out in tears for no reason. She could be at work. She could be making a sandwich, she'd just burst, and cry.
It comes out of nowhere. No rhyme, no reason. It just is what it is.
It just is.
Phone just rang, it's for the younger baby girl.
So I had to run two errands today. First stop was the smoke shop where I bought a bag of Black Jack tobacco and some tubes. I make my own cigarettes, it's a lot cheaper that way. Second stop was the one stop for everything gas station/convenience store for milk. I bought a lottery ticket also. It was an impulse buy. I haven't bought a lottery ticket in almost a month.
It's raining, kind of nasty out. I popped a CD into the CD player in the old Jeep on my way to the smoke shop. The Allman Brothers. Stormy Monday. It wasn't intentional, it just happens to be Monday and stormy.
Ups and downs. Lefts and rights. Strange weekend. We stayed up all night on Saturday, my wife and I. We watched a show about Humpback Whales. We watched a good movie. We ate cake and ice cream at five-thirty in the morning.
Earlier that evening we were talking about financial stuff. Scary student loans, intrusive disclosure statements all related to the older baby girl attending art school. She'll be transferring from our local campus after she finishes out this fall semester. So it's mind boggling stuff.
"Well, it's a distraction from all this other stuff".
That's what I said to my wife while I motioned towards her with a wave of my hand. I didn't think much about it. Later on she told me how much that hurt her. I didn't mean to hurt her. My wife is not the type of person to make something out of nothing. She is not so easily hurt, not so easily offended. If she says something hurt her feelings, it's the real deal.
I felt bad. I still feel bad. It was a stupid thing to say. It's all still very fresh. It's all still very new. It's all still overwhelming.
In waves. It comes in waves. No rhyme or reason. No time to prepare. It comes in waves.
Everything is changing. I have to change with it. When I went out with the guys from work a couple weeks ago I was supposed to call her for a ride. I never called. I just showed up at home around 0230. I should not have done that. Last year it would not have mattered so much. I don't go out often. This year it's different. She really needs me. Now she has breast cancer. Everything is changing. I have to change too.
It rolls up like a tsunami from the otherwise calm. It rolls. No time to prepare. She doesn't know when. She's really not sure. It just rolls over her.
I have to be there always, not just be there but really be there. She has always been the very cool wife. She has never given me a hard time about going out to my friends camp for opening day. She was happy when I went to the dirt track races this past summer and ate too many chili dogs. She knows that once a year, after inventory week, all the guys from down on The Dock go out for beers. But like I was saying, everything is changing. She needs me to be more than I've been. She needs to be able to rely on me, like never before. I can't keep fumbling through with my half-ass grin and an "I'm sorry baby".
When it's time to take The Parrot out of his cage you place your hand against his belly and say "step up". I have to step up now too.
She was talking to a woman she knows, a woman who's been through this. This woman said she'd just bust out in tears for no reason. She could be at work. She could be making a sandwich, she'd just burst, and cry.
It comes out of nowhere. No rhyme, no reason. It just is what it is.
It just is.
posted by Squarehead at 2:29 PM
2 Comments:
If we could divorce this essay from reality and look at it objectively, I could say that this is a beautiful piece of writing. But because of "what is"... it's just a heartbreaking reality right now, put down on paper.
You're right. No rhyme. No reason.
What the hell is in The Mind of God, I wonder?
I think of you all every day. May some blessings shower down on each of you from wherever blessings are stored.
Thank you Okay. I appreciate that.
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