Flat. Where?

Never buy the flatware. Words to live by......

Two years after we married we bought our first house in Warren County, New Jersey. Shortly after we moved in my wife said we should get a matching set of flatware. The knives, forks and spoons that we were using came from a variety of mismatched sources. She figured, since we were now homeowners, that we should have a set of matching knives, forks and spoons. I agreed. Things were hectic, having just moved, a baby on the way, you know the deal. She didn't get around to picking out a set of flateware right away.

So, a couple of months passed, our younger daughter was born, we had our first Christmas in our own house. One day I find myself across the bridge in Stroudsburgh Pennsylvania at the new Wal-Mart Super Center. Wal-Mart was a relatively new, and still exciting experience for us at the time. We had not yet begun to despise Wal-Mart, or the Wal-Martians who lurk in the aisles there.

Where was I? Oh yeah, flatware.....Yeah, so I'm over the bridge at the Wal-Mart and I accidentally, believe me it was an accident, walk down the housewares aisle and I see sets of flatware on display. Oh boy, I think to myself. This will be great! I'll get her that new flatware that she mentioned. Needles to say, not one of my better ideas.

It's like this, okay? If "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche", then real men definitely should not buy flatware. Just so you know, I had to do spell check on both quiche, and flatware. I had them both wrong. So you can imagine my wife's surprise, read shock and horror, at the flatware pattern that I chose. I got the one that was on sale. I guess it was on sale for a reason.

I'm only bringing this up because I think we might need new flatware, again. In the dozen years that have gone by since the "Flatware Incident", the flatware set has deteriorated through sheer attrition.

It's mostly the spoons. The spoons get packed in lunches for work and school. The spoons get thrown in the trash by accident after the school or work lunch is consumed. The spoons also, sometimes, end up standing in the garbage disposal drain. The spoons are usually damaged when a less attentive person (me) then activates said garbage disposal unit. It makes one hell of a sound. It's almost as if the spoons cry out in agony, there little spoon heads spinning at a high rate of speed while the very sharp blades attempt to shred them into little tiny spoon pieces. A tragedy really.

So, this afternoon, while emptying the dishwasher I noticed that we are down to two spoons. The regular size tea spoons, the spoons you eat your cereal with. We have plenty of the larger soup spoons, the table spoon size spoons. I'm really the only one who uses the larger spoons. It's easier to shovel large amounts of food into my big mouth with the larger spoons.

So I'm thinking we should probably get some new flatware. I'm thinking that it would be best if I don't say nothin' about it. I'm thinking that I don't want to know from the flatware. I'm thinking that the only "flat" I need concern myself with is the flat spot on top of my square head.

I did buy two boxes of disposable plastic spoons for work and school lunches. I know it's not very ecological of me but I really don't care. I am not getting involved with flatware. I hope Mother Nature can forgive me my transgression in this one particular area.

The plastic spoons don't last too long in the garbage disposal.