1979.

That was a good year. My first Harley. It wasn't really a Harley. It was an old home built rigid chopper frame with a 1200 Sporty motor. I didn't have a motorcycle license. I didn't have a driver's license. It was before I took my road test. I never did register that bike. I did ride it a lot. I kept it at a friends house because I didn't want my parents to know I bought a ratty old chopper. I don't think they would have cared. They may have complained about all the room I was taking up in the one garage. 1979 was a pretty good year to be seventeen with a job.

I started this post a few weeks ago. I don't remember where it was going. Probably some place stupid. Considering the old chopper thing and all. It's safe to say that this was going to a stupid place. I have always been comfortable in Stupid. That's a good premise for a story. "Going To Stupid". Or, following the less is more thing. How about this. "Going Stupid". I like that.

Today is 08 February. The Steelers won. That's cool. My wife is struggling with all she now faces. I am struggling too.

I think I'm depressed. Not clinically, like I need a therapist and medication. I just think I'm not feeling great. Other than shovel snow and go to work I have done nothing but lay around with the clicker and eat. This has been going on for several weeks now. Today I will get moving.

I hate this part of the winter. The snow is no longer fun and new. It's all just gray and sad.

Spring is closing in on us. Now that thought puts a smile on my face.

Hey Tommy. Yeah, my wife and I joke about being old down in Boca. She had another bone scan. Doctor said she has arthritis in every joint in her body. She didn't have that last July, her last bone scan. They saw a very large spot on her spine. Further investigation, an M.R.I., shows it to be arthritis as well. She made a joke about moving to Arizona. The doctor said no. He said you want moist and warm for arthritis. He said Florida or the Gulf Coast somewhere. I guess we'll end up down there someday. After this winter. After several near misses driving the semi on the ice, Florida is looking better to me too. Yeah brother. Florida is looking real good to me these days. No more trucks. No bikes either. Maybe an electric golf cart. Later Tommy.

Better.

Things have been. Better that is. We finished the hall and stairs project. We hung the new light at the top of the stairs, over the landing. Had to build a scaffold out from the upstairs hall to the landing so we could foot a ladder and hang the light. I busted through the ceiling from the attic. I took power from the fixture that was at the very top of the stairs in the upstairs hallway. I J-boxed it under the attic floor and pulled some wire over to the new location. Having two fixtures hanging within ten feet of each other would be stupid. The area where the old light hung is now patched and a smoke detector will go there. It's very nice.

The new light fixture is pretty cool. It's big but it works in this big old house. It was our Christmas present this year. My wife and I don't exchange gifts. We get something for ourselves together. Usually something for the house. One year we got a nice stereo. Once it was the video camera. We got the table that one year and the Shep chewed on one of the legs when she was a puppy.

So I'm hanging this light on Wednesday night. I already had the box up and the wire pulled from earlier in the week. So I'm on the eight foot ladder on top of the scaffold. The ladder is level with the upstairs floor but well above the downstairs floor. Being up in the air like that never really bothered me. I'm careful.

So my ears pop. I feel like I'm losing my balance. I try to get down off the ladder safely and for the most part I do. Sort of, but that's not the important part. I call in sick because I have a midnight Pittsburgh run that night. I go to the doctor yesterday. It seems that the Eustachian tubes in both of my ears are filled with fluid. Now this happened once before, just about three months ago and the docs gave me meds to deal with it. It's back. So I'm off work today, I will return on Monday. If the meds don't work this time then the ear nose and throat doctor will do something else. I'm thinking like a drain snake down through my ears.

My wife is glad to have me home. We are getting along much better now. I am keeping in mind that she is not herself these days. I am doing what she wants done when she wants it done. That's a big one. That's the one that really seems to be making a difference. That's the one that lets her know I love her and I will do anything for her. My procrastination thing has to be put off for another day.

I will write again too. I will also go do a little target shooting like I did back when. I always enjoyed putting holes in targets. It's something I've been good at since I was very young. I need a hobby. Writing is my passion. I don't know if it will ever go anywhere and I don't care. I will always write. Target shooing is something that I'm good at. It's something I enjoy. It's a skill that I would like to stay on top of. Maybe enter some local contests. It's an outdoor activity, so this ain't the time of year exactly. Writing however.

Hey Tommy.

Facing About.

I've tried more than ever. I will keep trying. Facing yourself is something that's never finished, for me that is. One word answers no longer cut it. My wife wants all of me. She deserves that. An anonymous comment on the last post has me thinking. I have a habit of not thinking. It's easier that way. I'm finding out that it's not a good habit.

"Do something. Do anything even if it's wrong. Don't just stand there."

Words I've lived by for many years now. Words I heard in army training. Words I heard again in police academy training. Words I said myself as a firearms instructor at the academy. Words that I've mistakenly applied to every aspect of my life. I don't think the instructors who imparted those lessons really meant for them to be applied that way. But it worked for me, until now. Now I do have to just stand there. Now I do have to accept what's happening because it's really not in my power to change it. What is in my power, is like Anonymous said. What is in my power is to change me. I'm forty-six years old. I'm a stubborn blockhead. This will be no easy task.

Things have been going a little better since my last post. What I have done is a temporary fix. What I have done is to do whatever it is she wants done when she wants it done whether I agree or not. I know that's not the whole solution but it really does help. Besides, my wife is very smart and I really can't go wrong following her lead.

The Parrot is quietly talking to himself while I write this. I just got him a little treat. It's Bird Bread. My wife makes it from a recipe she found on-line. The younger baby girl and me, we made the current batch. It's corn bread with veggies and peanut butter and cheese. It's healthy and The Parrot loves it. I broke up a small piece for The Love Bird too.

Christmas was good here. I had to go to work at midnight and run a trailer over to one of our bigger stores. The holiday schedule. I have to do the same thing tonight, well Friday morning at 0100. Two stops. Easy shift. I'll be done early and the boss will probably let me go home when I'm done. I'll get paid for eight hours. It's his way of thanking me for not bitching about the extra overnight holiday schedule trips. He did that last week when I took that Christmas night run without complaining. I'm just glad I have a job. I'm not bitching about anything.

In my profile statement at the top of this page it states that I'm this simple guy. It states that life is good. The second part is still true. I mean it's not good that my wife has cancer. It is good that our kids are healthy and doing well. The simple guy thing. That's one of those things I have to look at. Being the simple guy ain't workin' to well these days. I'm not sayin' that being a simple guy is bad 'cause it's not. In my case, being a simple guy is a way of avoiding stuff. So in my case being a simple guy is something I can no longer get away with. I can still have simple taste. I can still enjoy simple pleasures 'cause I do. I just can't be that one word answer simple guy when it comes to the real deal. Life just ain't all that simple anymore.

I got an e-mail from my cousin. He's a Teamster too. He drives a beer truck in New England. He's a funny guy. I always liked him.